X-GF BFF

By Jennifer Finjan

Can you really be best friends with your ex?

A friend of a friend of mine recently had the misfortune of going on a first (and last) date with a chap who announced out of the blue that his ex-girlfriend was currently his very best friend in the whole wide world.  Although he mentioned that they still do almost everything together, i.e. work together, go to the cottage together, and go to concerts and shows together, he reassured that it’s been years since there’s been a sexual connection.  This stunning revelation was followed with…”I hope that won’t be a problem?”

Well chap, it is a problem – a huge problem. Not only because he felt it was significant enough to bring up on the first date (perhaps a problem with other prospects in the past?), but because this information equates to him confessing he is the biggest commitment phobe on the planet and a huge, massive waste of time.   I mean really, what better way not to move forward in life than to keep your ex in your back pocket as your so called confidante and best friend?  No thanks, I will definitely pass on that one. 

We all know making a relationship work these days is hard enough with someone whose friends have a neutral effect on the relationship.  Guy friends generally don’t get overly involved and basically want to see their friends happy.  But an ex-girlfriend, who may or may not still have feelings for your new chap – whose opinions, advice and potential sabotaging schemes can make or break your relationship. If she doesn’t like you for whatever reason, you’re pretty much dead in the water.  Afterall, who will she go to concerts with now?

Call me shallow, immature or emotionally weak if you want, I don’t care.  I know from past experiences and from those around me, male/female relationships just don’t work that way.  Sure, okay there may be that one exception where both the guy and the girl have equally moved on, share the same current level of emotions and have both found better, more compatible soul mates elsewhere but yet are committed to keeping their ‘friendship’ alive.  Sounds pretty fishy if you ask me.

When a relationship ends in my world, one of two things happen.  One, I don’t want that person in my life anymore.  In the real world, people break up for a reason and that reason is usually because you discover that you don’t share common ideas, morals, or interests.  So why would you want those qualities in a best friend?  Wouldn’t you rather surround yourself with friends you trust, get along with and share a variety of commonalities? Two, there’s still a lot of lingering feelings between you and a real and present longing for that person.  If that’s the case, are you really going to be open, fair and objective when the time comes for them to bring other people into their life?

Male/female friendships are a tricky thing at best.  The only way we can truly be real friends is if both parties have absolutely no other intentions, feelings or secret agendas. From what I can tell, this is an extremely rare and uncommon phenomenon. I’m not talking about your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s friends – to them you’re sort of like a step-friend.  You are stuck with each other due to circumstances and if your relationship ends, those so called friendship end along with it.  I’m talking about those friends you either used to date but still have a need to communicate or put on the backburner and those friends you have no romantic feelings for whatsoever.

In regards to those so called ex-boyfriend/girlfriend friends you used to date but still need in your life, have you asked yourself honestly why you’re holding on to them?  This little self-assessment is easy these days thanks to Facebook. Just go through your friends list and ask yourself why you’re still in touch with that person?  Are you saving them for a raining day or if something else doesn’t pan out?  Are you guilty of keeping a safety net of ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend friends who you know will be over before you can say, “whatcha doing?”  Sure you may think these friends are great to hold on to.  After all, they already know your likes and dislike and what makes you tick.  But if you’re investing more than a second on these so called friends you are robbing yourself of not only moving on but of potentially meeting the right person. Not to mention wasting his/her time and possibility sabotaging future relationships for them.  Seems like a selfish situation to me.

And finally girls, let’s talk about those male friends you wish you could just be buddies with to watch sports, drinks pints, and be yourself around.  I used to think it was entirely possible to have these sorts of friends.  Sometimes girlfriends just don’t cut it if you’re into sports, etc. Sadly, I have come to the realization that friendship of this sort are few and far between. Everything runs smoothly until someone gets the liquid courage to screw it all up. It takes a lot understanding, communication and honesty to make this work.

If you do succeed in having a platonic relationship with the opposite sex, don’t expect them to like your new boyfriend/girlfriend…